Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Thoughts at 40 weeks pregnant

I would like to preface this post by saying that I have the nicest, most caring friends and family, and what I'm about to talk about does not mean that I'm annoyed by them or am trying to make them feel bad.  I'm really just trying to be funny.  I really love them and am thankful that they care so much about me.

Today is my due date.  I'm 40 weeks pregnant.  The little thing has gone from nothing to a full on baby.  Crazy.  The people in my life are really excited.  How can I tell?  Here are some common questions / statements I have received in the last week.

  • How are you feeling? How do you think I feel?  Is there a way to answer this question to satisfy you?  I feel large, uncomfortable, slow, a little impatient, a little nervous, or my most common answer, "fine!".
  • Any changes?  Changes in what exactly?  Would you like me to describe what my vaginal discharge looked like yesterday and what it looks like today?  How about the cloudiness of my urine?  I really don't know what this question means or how to answer it.
  • Any baby news?  Oh yeah, didn't I tell you?  I gave birth last week.  It was quadruplets.  We named them after the first four Duggars.  No there's no baby news.  I think I'd mention it.  Really.   
  • Has the baby dropped?  I don't know.  That probably means no.  Even if it had, it really doesn't mean that I will have the baby immediately.  Why don't you call my midwife and ask her.
  • Are you excited?  Am I excited to have a baby?  Sure.  I'm excited that I will have a baby.  Am I excited to give birth?  Let me tell you something.  I have an app on my phone that gives me a daily description of my body, the baby, and little tidbits of random info.  Today when I opened it, when I looked under "size of baby", it said "pumpkin".  PUMPKIN.  I'm not even joking.  I'm really really not excited to push a pumpkin sized baby out of something that I promise has never housed anything close to pumpkin sized.  
  • Take advantage and sleep now!  On what planet does one sleep well when they have a 25 pound beach ball between their legs?  I have to flip sides every HOUR because my hips are so sore.  I can't sleep on my back or my stomach.  I have to pee every two hours.  It takes me a good minute to get out of bed, and when I get back in, it takes another minute to arrange myself into a moderately comfortable position.  Yeah, I'll get right on sleeping my little heart out.
  • The wait between when you're in labour and when the baby is born is going to kill me!  Really?  REALLY? Kill YOU??!!  Put yourself in my shoes.  Oh wait, I won't be wearing shoes, or pants, or underwear, and I'll have people staring at my crotch watching me push a pumpkin sized baby out of my vagina.  I really feel for you.  Maybe I'll call you midway to see how you're holding up.  
  • (Said by someone who is pregnant and due later) I'm so ready to not be pregnant.  I hope my baby comes early.  Shut the f&%k up.  Thanks.
  • Are you sure your due date is October 5?  You look like it will be another 10 days or two weeks!  Oh, I don't look like I could give birth on the 5th?  According to you?  Ok well I'll just change up my calendar, let my medical professionals know, and sit tight for two more weeks.  Also, do you think this is something a 40 week pregnant person WANTS to hear?  Because I really don't want to hear it.  Really.
That's KIND of how I feel today.  Except I'm not actually angry or bitter like this implies.  I'm healthy, as far as I know the baby is healthy, I don't have to go to work, I can go for coffee with random friends whenever I want... I'm really not in a bad place.  But every single time one of my friends or family members asks me how I'm feeling, I kind of want to kick a puppy.  


kristen said...

Puppies beware.

(at least make sure it is one of those yappy ones that will make a crazy sound as it goes flying through the air)

Michelle said...

Heather, this post is hilarious. I love it. I'm sure everyone understands your need to vent your true feelings. All I will say is good luck...and too bad you didn't have it yesterday. I was counting on having someone to share my birthday with ; )

Lulu said...

Oh god Heather, that was awesome... sums up exactly what I feel...
I'm sending you good thoughts. You're going to be awesome during labour and a fabulous mother.

Nicole @ "Haute Runner" said...

This makes me laugh!! I really wish you actually said those things to people just to see/hear their reaction!

Hope that babe gets the hint and exits quickly!!

lu said...

ha! this is awesome. and although i've never been there, i can totally appreciate how you wish you could answer all those questions.

Anonymous said...

I was sent over by your sissy. This post cracks me up! Why have I not found you before?! At least your pumpkin hasn't taken away your sense of humor. Now I don't know what to say because whatever it is, you'll probably want to bite my head off. Which would be totally accaptable and understandable!

Jordan said...

Oooh, it's getting close. How are you feeling? You must be excited!

Rebecca W said...

Love it! I'm getting these questions too. "How are you feeling?" is a good one. I'm just saying "I am fine" for now...but in the back of my head I've been pretty sarcastic.

It is almost over!!

Kirst said...

Come on baby! We want to meet you.

Anonymous said...

It was a long time ago that I was 40 weeks pregnant, but I can guarantee you I didn't have such a fabulous sense of humor.
Char Jolliffe