We're doing "emergency drills". Planned and unplanned land and water evacuations. Not really uplifting material to start with, but I can deal with that.
What I can't deal with are the actual drills. (Drill = Us doing what we would actually be doing if we were evacuating an aircraft. We have a set "script" of what we
We watch videos of people doing drills, and all the while my eyes are welling up with tears, and I'm pretty much loosing it. Then when people in our class did live drills tears were streaming down my face. I'm seriously freaking out.
I'm scared that I won't be able to do it.
What scares me more is that I'm a super outgoing person who is never scared to take control of a situation. So why am I petrified that I will not be able to do this? I am absolutely terrified that I will cry or panic or freeze and be responsible for these people with mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and children not getting out of the aircraft alive.
After class I talked to my instructor and in about four seconds I was sobbing. She said that she was surprised that I made it to day 6, because for her she lost it on day four, when we watched the video with interviews with survivors of aircraft fires where almost everyone died. She said she cried and cried in front of the whole class, and almost quit. I was honestly feeling like that today, because if I can't do these drills effectively, I can't be a flight attendant. And I really don't know if I can do them.
I felt reassured by what she told me, and how she told me I should ask those around me to remind me of situations where I HAVE taken control and gotten out of sticky situations. She said that I shouldn't hide my feelings from anyone, especially myself... And that it's commendable that I'm seeing it and coming to her for help. She also told me that she had no doubt in her mind that I would be able to get through it, and that I'd be ok. She said that if I cry the whole way through my first drill, it's okay, and I just need to try again. She also said it shows that I'm a good person, and that I'm concerned for these people, and not looking at it like a drill. What I don't get is when I'm watching a video on a fake plane with no actual passengers on it I'm freaking out about me not doing it. It's all hypothetical. So why am I freaking out??????
If I somehow make it through the "unplanned" landings, which means we have no warning of the emergency landing until it happens, so we really don't ever have to see any of the passengers until we're telling them to cross their arms and jump and slide, my next hurdle is the "planned" landings, where we have about 30 minutes warning, so we stand in the cabins and stare at the passengers while the captain announces that we're having an emergency landing, and I'm the one who is supposed to guide them through and reassure them we'll all be okay. I'm the one who assigns duties, and talks to the people sitting next to people who need more help, like mothers with infants and unaccompanied minors. How can I stand there and keep it together? What can I do to dissociate myself? I really don't know.
I'm scared. I'm overwhelmed. And I cry anytime anyone shouts. And I have to shout. A lot.